i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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