About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wish I only lived at night.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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