I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
