It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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