mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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