I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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