6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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