I wish I could teleport
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
