I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just invented taco cereal.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
