I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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