People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
