I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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