you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
i now understand why vodka
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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