My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Holy shit dude........stairs
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize