so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
