Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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