I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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