Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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