Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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