mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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