There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
