I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
