you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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