When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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