If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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