it wasn't lemon gatorade
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
