I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
