I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
