I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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