areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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