shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
