After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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