Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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