Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
