DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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