and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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