Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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