first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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