found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
