Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
