Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
