I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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