i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
