i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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