The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
