i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
