I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize