if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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