im drinking this country out of the recession.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
