Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
