Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
