You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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