Screwed.edu
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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