rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize