I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
They are going to name an STD after you.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
