I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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