I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You took a bar mat shot.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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