i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
