Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
