I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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