I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
