i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
