I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
