My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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