How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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